My First Post On this Blog

 A fresh start

I'm feeling good but it hasn't been like this most of the time. Life has ups & downs & i was living in the down part for such a long time without even noticing that i was drawning into the darkness a little more than yesterday. When i was a child life was so colorful, i remember opening the door & run into the little forest next to my home & play with the lady bugs under the sun for hours. The little things were more than enough to make me happy, joyous & free. As i was growing up the colors were fading into perfection & people pleasing because i felt there is a void inside of me that eats me everyday. I felt i'm not good enough & not pretty enough . . . . I did not believe i had any sort of talent in anything so i just struggled with life & followed whatever society was telling me to do. I went to the art school as teenage but i compromised my self to a lot of the kids at my class and in the end i was afraid to show my work  to anyone in the public. Self pitty was a part of every day routine. The game of isolation continued untill the first semester at the darmatic arts university.

 I clearly remeber the first time i departured from the feeling of unworthiness in side of me. The smell of the weed was in the air & i inhaled the smoke into my lungs. A few minuts later i was high as a kite. I was laughing with a pin drop!!! I was feeling happy & dizzy which was really new & nice. As i found my new hobby i continued to experiment different varieties of drugs for Ten years. I wasn't aware of the dangerous game that i was playing! I was inhaling drugs into my lungs & exhaling my soul in return. The definition of life for me was to get up in the morning & get high on something. well it was quiet bizarre thing to do, But i really loved the lifestyle, to wake up in the morning & not knowing where you are going to end up at the end of the night.

I clearly remember my first time listening to Psytrance music on some psychedelic substance. It was a magical night in one specific beach in goa, the moon was shining & there was a very smooth breeze blowing on my skin & i was dancing like a mad woman in front of the Dj deck!!! that trip to india changed my prespective on what i want to do with my life. For the very first time i realised that there's something i really want to do & that is Djing! I loved dancing in a group of people & the music was really coming from the other side.

Yet i did not know what is life bringing on for me & that was when a massive over dose happend. It shook my inside so bad that my life direction changed from that point. As a drug user at that time i could never turn my back on any offer so i smocked something toxic & all i  remember is that i lied down on my back & everything started to fade in a very horrific way. As i knew my soul was beginning to departure from my body i was watching everything frustrated, i couldn't think, i did not know who i was. I just knew that i was dying & i did not want this to happen. I knew i had a lot to do in my life & i was breaking the circle of life. Obviousley it was a suicide & the universe was mad at me. I actually felt it with my soul. The universe was mad at me for disrespecting my life & my body by getting high all day long & also hanging with the wrong people in the wrong places. As i was enetering into another dimention i pulled my self together & spoke to god. I said: I'm sorry give me another chance! At that moment another chance was given to me & my soul came back to my body!

It took almost a year for me to understand that i have a drug problem. At first i thought it's best for me to change substances. But it did not work. I even gave up smoking cigaretts. Well i was making the same mistakes & expecting a diffrent result. Anyhow At the same time i was suffering from deep depression. I was in my bed all day and all night. powerless to do anything. It was almost two months that i was suffering from depression. One night i said to my self I Cannot Do It Anymore. I clearly remember it was 5 A.M in the morning & i was sitting in my balcony with a lighted candle. For the first time in my life i was writing to the god of my understaning in that time. I wrote: Please bring me from the darkness into the Light.

Not so long from that event i was introduced to one of the twelve steps programs & i got clean from all kind on drug & alcohol. All i needed was a fresh start. In order for me to saty clean i left the old ways of living because if the drugs won't kill you the life style will. What a miracle. I began to see what i have missed in life. Most of all i missed me! I wasn't paying attention to me. All my heed was outside of my self without noticing that everything is inside. The healing began i started to care about my self like a mother that cares for her child. Colour's of life were coming back to me gently. I kept walking into the unknown path that universe chose for me. The funny thing was that it really suits me. I began to learn how to live in the moment, right now is infinite right now is forever & this is all we got in life. Right Now.

The idea of surrendering to a power bigger than my self is real. I cannot do it but we can. As an individual i'm powerless But when i'm in a group i have power. Today i'm feeling good because i love my self, because i know i'm not perfect & never will be. I can make mistakes & i also can enjoy making them. I can be silly & laugh at the simplest things in life. I can love unconditionally & give what is given to me freely. What a blessing this is to know that i will never wake up with a hang over i will never wake up with shame & guilt of the past. Today i have a choice better use it. Now i'm on my way to become a Dj that i can be proud of & i know the universe will do it for me all i have to do is the leg work & do what it takes for me to be seen & heard. I'm in love with the way things are turning out & god is here to help me compelet my life mission.